


Ache

by doubleknot



Series: Beautiful Boy [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Crying, Cussing, Dysfunctional Family, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Platonic Relationships, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, Verbal Abuse, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-03-24 00:28:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13799526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doubleknot/pseuds/doubleknot
Summary: "My name isn't Jihye," He mumbled under his breath.ORThe au where Jisung struggles to deal with how some people are never going to be able to accept the fact that he's a boy.





	Ache

**Author's Note:**

> so um...don't kill me for writing this and making our poor sunshine baby hurt. please??  
> also this is unbeta'd so sorry for any of the mistakes that can be found in this

   Jisung is rigid as he sits on the edge of his twin bed and just stares at the school uniform that's hanging on the back of his door. He knows that no matter how hard he stares at the black skirt that goes with the yellow school blazer it won't change into a pair of pants but it doesn't hurt to hope and try.  If he could Jisung would burn the skirt as soon as he was given the chance but unfortunately he can't do that because his parents spent too much money on his school uniforms just for him to ruin the dreadful thing. The seventeen year old huffs as he tears his gaze away from the skirt and pushes himself up off of his bed. He doesn't really have any time to waste so he needed to go ahead and get ready for school.

    The one thing that Jisung hated the most out of everything in the morning was the glimpse he got of his naked body in the slightly fogged bathroom mirror whenever he would step out of the shower. It was something that happened every single morning and of course it was something that occurred this morning; It always made Jisung feel sick to his stomach without fail. As soon as he would even get the slightest glance of his breasts or the rest of his feminine body he was ready to crawl out of his own skin. Why was he stuck in this body even though he was a boy? Was this some form of punishment that some divine being decided to give him? 

  The seventeen year old heaved as deep sigh as he continued to get ready while attempting to not look in the mirror again until he was dressed. The only physical thing about himself that actually managed to make Jisung feel comfortable in his own body was his short hair. He touched gingerly at the damp brown locks and smiled to himself. It had took him forever to convince his mother to let him get it cut short and the only reason why it happened in the first place was because Jisung got tired of asking so he took a pair of scissors to his hair and cut it himself. His mother had been so pissed whenever she came home and saw her "daughter" sitting in her room with choppy hair that barely went past their eyes. 

  Jisung had missed the next day of school because his mother had been so worried about how Jisung was going to make her look and took him to the nearest hair salon and had his hair cut into a pixie cut. It wasn't the most masculine haircut but Jisung had loved it, Jisung loved how it made him feel and how it made him look but neither of his parents liked it at all for it. They practically yelled at him for an hour whenever his mother and him got back home. He had tuned out most of what they had said because it was practically the same thing they said everytime but there had been one thing that stuck out to Jisung during their little yelling session and it's stuck with Jisung ever since. He remembered what happened way to clearly and just thinking about it made him want to cry.

**********

_Jisung was practically letting the couch devour him at this point as he tried to curl up even further into the corner of the couch. He was just blankly staring around the room as his parents yelled at him. This was nothing new to the teenager, it was something that happened almost every week whether it be that they yelled at him or at each other. He was tuning almost everything they were saying until his father called him by his "name". "Fucking pay attention to me Jihye," The man had practically screeched and Jisung had to keep himself from glaring at him whenever he finally looked at his father._

_It was silent in the living room for a silent moment besides the sound of his mother muttering to herself about how "Jihye" was making them look bad and wondering how they had went wrong with "her". "You listen to me and you listen to me good because I want you to answer me whenever I ask you this," His father said as he pointed one of his fingers in Jisung's face making the boy scrunch his nose up at the action. "Yes sir," He mumbled under his breath as set his hands in his lap, staring down at them like they were suddenly the most interesting thing in the world. "You know your hair makes you look like a boy right? That's fucking disgusting," His father spat out and Jisung just stayed silent as he practically trembled. "Are you some sort of queer or some shit like that," His father added on and Jisung couldn't and wouldn't listen to it anymore so he pushed himself up off the couch and took the stairs two at a time before he locked himself away in his room._

_The boy ignored his parents calls of his "name"  and he even ignored the sound of his father beating on his bedroom door. He had just put on his favorite pair of headphones that Chan had gotten for him and put his music on full blast. He just laid on his be for hours and cried as he stared up at the popcorn ceiling of his room. He knew his parents were pissed but he didn't care nor did they have the right to treat him the way that they did. Needless to say Jisung had went to bed without having dinner that night._

**********

   The brunet was brought out of his thoughts by his mother's shrill yelling of, "Jihye hurry up or you won't have enough time to eat breakfast this morning". Jisung rolled his eyes at the sound of her voice before making his way downstairs. "My name isn't Jihye," He mumbled under his breath as he made his way into the kitchen where both of his parents were at. His mother barely even glanced up from the food she was plating to say good morning to him or to notice what he said but it didn't go unnoticed by his father. "What was that," His father questioned with a quirk of one of his brows as he looked at the teen over the newspaper he was reading at the table. 

  "Oh nothing. I was just going over what we're doing in our classes today to myself," He lied quickly as he grabbed two of the bagels covered in cream cheese off of the plate that was sitting in the middle of the table. "Are you not going to sit down and eat," His mother inquired as she set more plates of food on the table. The teen shock his head as he took a bite out of one of the bagels. "I'm going to go ahead and go down to the bus stop to make sure I don't miss it," He stated as he held a hand in front of his mouth as he spoke. His mother frowned and his father was about to tell him to sit down and eat but Jisung had already made his out of the kitchen to put on his shoes and to get his book bag before he made his way out the front door.

**\------**

  Jisung would absolutely hate riding the bus to school in the morning if it weren't for that fact that one of his best friends, Felix, sat with him every morning. The foreign boy would always step onto the bus and look around until his eyes would find Jisung sitting in the back and a huge smile that seemed to make everything feel okay would light up his face. The personified sunshine did it every morning so of course he did it this morning as well and Jisung couldn't stop the smile that spread across his own face as his friend plopped gracelessly down in the seat beside him. "Ji-Ji," The barely younger boy exclaimed as he threw an arm around the other male's shoulders and pulled him into a side hug. That was another thing he loved about the freckle faced Aussie. 

  Felix was a very bright person who made anyone feel better just by breathing and since Felix was such a sweetheart it wasn't really surprising that he was also very open-minded. He was so open minded in fact that he was actually the first person that Jisung came out to even though Jisung had only known him for two months at the time. Jisung was crying the whole time he told Felix and at the end of it all he was completely blown away about how chill Felix was about it. Felix had just pulled him into a hug before asking him what name he wanted him to call him by. Jisung doesn't think he had ever cried so much before in his life.

  Shortly after the seventeen year old came out to his friend he gained courage to come out to his other friends at his own pace whether it be just one individual or more than one of them. They had all had different reactions but they weren't negative reactions, none of them had been disgusted or anything like that. All of them had been so open-minded, comfortable, and positive about it. Jisung was blessed to have such amazing friends that were supportive of him and who he was, he was sure he was the luckiest boy alive. He truly have no idea what he would do without his favorite eight ideas and he didn't want to know what he would have to do without them.

"Jisungie~"

 The teen was quickly pulled out of his own little world whenever he heard his friend whispering to him. He looked around confused for a moment until he realized that the bus had come to a stop and that all the other students on the bus were getting off at a snail like pace. He looked out the window and saw that they had indeed already at the hellhole that was known as 'school'. Jisung whined as he looked back at Felix, his nose scrunched up and his dark brows furrowed together, in disgust at the thought of even having to step foot in that place. All he got as a response was a deep chuckle and "Come on Ji-Ji lets go!"

**\------**

  Jisung hated being in this place, he wanted to leave it and never come back. Well actually the boy didn't really hate school, he loved it in fact because he got to see his friends, learn new things, and be away from home, he just hated some of the people that were here. It was lunch time so Jisung was standing in line with Hyunjin, Felix, Jeongin, and Seungmin as they piled food onto their trays. "God I'm ready to get out of here," Seungmin grumbled beside him as he huffed, puffing his cheeks out as he did so. "So cute," Jisung cooed and pinched the younger boy's cheeks as means to tease him which resulted in his hand quickly being swatted away by the other.

  The brunet turned his attention away from his friend to pay for his food which hadn't cost a lot surprisingly but then again he hadn't gotten a shit ton of food like Felix had so maybe it wasn't that surprising. He was just about to walk over to the table that his friends and him usual sat at everyday during lunch whenever someone bumped into him causing him to drop his tray onto the floor. Jisung didn't even have to look up to know who it was, just from the laugh that came after his tray hit the floor was enough to know who it was. The teen looked up at see Hong Joochan giving him a wide, clearly fake innocent smile as a few of his friends stood behind him trying not to laugh. "Whoops sorry. Didn't see you there tranny," Joochan snickered and all Jisung could do was clench his jaw and take a deep breath before he could do anything he regretted.

  Jisung had only come out to his friends and he knew his friends hadn't told anyone about Jisung identifying as male but some of his fellow classmates had heard them calling him Jisung and using male pronouns so of course word start spreading like wildfire. It only took two days for people, mainly Joochan and his friends, to start picking on him but he tried his hardest to ignore it and stay positive but it was hard. People could truly say some mean things about others just because they were so close minded and insecure. He remembers how two girls cornered him after gym one day and told him that he was never going to be nothing but a disgusting dyke of a girl. It had upset Jisung and made him feel like shit; It left had Jisung wanting to scream to the world that he's a boy and not a girl but it's just not that easy and he knows that but it still made him _ache_.

  "Well hello to you too Joochan," He managed to say through gritted teeth and plastered a fake smile on his face. Joochan seemed to about to say something before Seungmin and Jeongin came over to where they were standing, both of them holding trays of food in their hands. "What's going on here hyung," Seungmin asked, ignoring Joochan's presence completely but Jeongin was doing the complete opposite of that. The young boy was staring at Joochan like he wanted to bash his head in which was very unlike the fox faced boy. "It's nothing Minnie, just had a small accident. You two go sit down, I'll be over there in a minute," He answered before nudging the two towards their table. 

  Jisung watched the two go sit down before he returned his attention back to the asshole that was standing in front of him. "Awe look at that, your little fags were worried about you," Joochan said as soon as Jisung's attention was back on him. Jisung saw nothing but red and he could feel his hands shaking so he balled them up by his sides to stop them from doing. Jisung was fine with people picking on him and calling him names but nobody was allowed to say shit like that about his friends. "Would you run that by me again," He asked as if to give Joochan a chance to make up for what he had said.

"Did I hurt your freaky tranny bitch feelings, Jihye?"

  Whenever he heard what the other had said he reacted before he could think rationally. He spat in Joochan's face and he watched as the tall brunet blinked slowly before he wiped the spit off his cheek. Everything that happened after that happened all too quickly for his mind to even probably process it. He was standing one moment and he was on the floor the next, his head throbbing from having hit the floor and his face felt like it was on fire from him being punched so hard and he couldn't help but wonder if his nose was bleeding. He had barely even sat up whenever he saw Felix practically throw himself on top of Joochan.

  Jisung could barely register Felix screaming something at Joochan before he started throwing punches at his face. He doesn't really remember much after that because Seungmin was practically picking him off the floor and speaking so fast that he could't understand a word he was saying. It didn't take long for a teacher to try to break up the fight but Felix obviously wasn't ready to stop what he was doing so it took two of the school officers to pull him off of the older boy. The last thing he had heard  before Seungmin and Jeongin led him out of the cafeteria was Felix practically screeching at Joochan, "If you ever touch him again I'll make your life a living hell!"

**\------**

  Jisung just kind of zoned out after that, he was just silent and blankly staring at a wall or the floor. He didn't say anything in the nurses office as Seungmin and Jeongin sat besides him on the little cot that was in the room as the nurse tried to get his nose and top lip to stop bleeding. He barely said more than three seconds in the principle's office whenever the principle was talking to him, Joochan, and Felix. In the end of it all Jisung got suspended for two days which was utter bullshit but he could care less, Felix also got suspended for two days, and Joochan got suspended for the rest of the week. The seventeen year old knew that Felix's older brother, Chan, was coming to get him and he was almost certain that Chan would't mind taking Jisung back home with them for the rest of the day.

  He had indeed been right about Chan not caring him going with them because as soon as the college student stepped into the office and looked at the two. "Come on guys lets go," He says not even bothering to ask Jisung if he wanted to come with them because he already knew the answer. Jisung didn't even get the chance to grab his bag because Felix had grabbed his bag and Jisung's before all but running out of the office and down the hallway to the big blue double doors that led to the school's parking lot. Chan rolled his eyes as a small smile spread across his face because of his little brother's actions before he looked at Jisung and ushered him on with his friend. The teen silently got out of the chair he was sitting in, ignoring the looks that the principle and Joochan were giving him, and kept his eyes to the floor as he walked out of the office. 

  The ride to Chan's and Felix's place was silent besides the soft sound of music playing from the radio that had been set to a low volume and Chan humming along to it. Chan was focused on driving as he tapped his thumbs against the steering wheel to the beat of the song while Felix sat in the passenger seat, his bottom lip caught between his teeth because he was obviously thinking, and Jisung sat in the backseat of Chan's jeep and just stared blankly out the window as he watched houses and buildings seemingly rolled by. The bubbly teen was never like this but right now his mind was racing a hundred miles an hour and he was feeling so many things at once that he felt like he was going to explode at any moment. He heaved a soft sigh as he squeezed his eyes closed and pressed his forehead against the cool glass of the window. He honestly just wanted this day to be over with. 

**\------**

   The teen didn't remember falling asleep but he guessed that he had because whenever he woke up he was being carried by Chan bridal style up the stairs that lead to his apartment. "Hi hyung," He mumbled groggily as he wrapped his arms around the older male's neck and pressed his face into his shoulder. "Hey kiddo," The twenty year old uttered as he glanced down at him and offer him a small smile. It only took about another minute before they had reached their apartment and Felix quickly went inside before they did because the boy was obviously still pissed off. Jisung noticed that the door had been unlocked so that meant Chan's friends were probably here as well.

  Once again Jisung was right because he saw Minho, Woojin, and Changbin all practically smothering Felix as they asked him why he was home early and why he had a bruise around his left eye, it seems that Joochan had managed to get a punch in. They had yet to notice Chan and Jisung until after Chan let Jisung down to stand on his own feet and shut the door behind them. The three all simultaneously  turned their heads to look towards the door as soon as they heard it shut and before he could even so much as say 'hi' they had all made their way over to him.

"Jisung, what happened?"

"Did Felix really kick someone's ass?"

"Ji-Ji, baby, what happened to your face?"

  It seemed like a million questions were being thrown his way and all he could do was clutch tightly at the hem of his school blazer. He hadn't noticed he was shaking and crying until Woojin gently grabbed him and led him over to the leather couch that was in the small apartment living room. He didn't even try to protest as the older boy pulled him into his lap and hugged him to his chest. It was silent for god knows how long as Jisung trembled and let out loud sobs that broke his friends hearts. Soon the young boy's crying dissolved to nothing but small sniffles and whimpers as he help onto his older friend. He couldn't bring himself to look up at his friends because he was sure he looked like shit with his messy hair, puffy and bloodshot eyes, busted lip, bruised nose, and wrinkled, dirty clothes.

  "I'm sorry," He croaked out as his voice cracked. He heard a soft 'sh. don't apologize' from Chan and felt Woojin's grip tighten around him as he a hand started running through his hair and he was certain it was Minho. He lifted his head up after waiting for a minute or two and looked around the room. Minho was sitting beside Woojin and him on the couch, Changbin and Felix had managed to squeeze themselves into one chair while Chan sat in the other. "Why are people so mean," He asked as he looked back down, picking at a stray thread on his skirt...he really needed to change out of it later. 

 "How about you tell us what happened first and then we'll answer your question," Minho said softly as he gave the younger boy a small smile as he reached over and gently grabbed one of Jisung's hands and laced their fingers together. Everyone was silent as Jisung told them what happened, giving him all the time that he needed to speak. Woojin would silently wipe away any stray tears that fell before pressing light kisses to the top of his head while Minho would squeeze his hand to give him some comfort and reassurance. The only time someone spoke when he did was whenever Felix jumped in to tell his part of the story.  It was silent for a good two minutes before Changbin broke it.

  "Please tell me you broke that asshat's nose Felix," He said as he looked over at the boy sitting beside him. "I sure hope I did," Felix stated as he furrowed his brows, he was obviously still so pissed about it that Jisung didn't even want to imagine what was going on inside his friend's head. Minho threw his head back as he let out a loud laugh as Jisung giggled a bit while the two oldest tried not to laugh (and failed) at what the two had said. "I'm glad you defended Jisung today but violence is never the answer 'Lix," Chan stated as he gave his brother a pointed look after everyone stopped laughing. "I know it's not and we all know I would never normally do that but when I saw him punch Ji-Ji and saw Ji-Ji hit the ground I just- I lost my cool," He countered as Changbin intertwined their fingers together as a way to keep him calm. 

  "I can't believe you spat on him though," Woojin said as he looked down at Jisung. Jisung could feel his face heat up and he was sure he looked as pink as strawberry milk at the moment. "I reacted before I could even think which was a bad idea on my part," He uttered as he started to play with Minho's fingers. "It was a bad idea but he definitely deserved it," Minho countered as the others could help but nod in agreement. "Yeah, maybe he did..."The boy mumbled softly as he looked down at Minho's hand that was still laced with his.  "So I've got an idea," Woojin suddenly spoke up making everyone look at him. 

  "How about we have a bit of a movie marathon to cheer our two sunshines up," He stated and wasn't really surprised whenever everyone agreed immediately. "Can I go change first," Jisung asked as he let go of Minho's hand and got up off of Woojin's lap. "Yeah sure, you can borrow some of my clothes," Felix answered before Chan could. "Okay thanks," He said before he made his way to down the hall to Felix's room. The young teen let his mind wonder as he search through Felix's dresser to find something to wear.

  He had never gotten an answer to his question and he didn't need one anymore, he had figured it out for himself. People were mean because they couldn't understand things because of their blissful ignorance. People were mean because they didn't understand themselves and didn't have ways to healthily vent and cope with their insecurities. People were mean because they didn't have a solace in this cruel and unforgiving world that was filled with negativity and chaos. Maybe all the harsh and negative people just needed to find their solace.

"Hey hurry up slowpoke, we're about to start watching My Neighbor Totoro!"

   Jisung looked up to see Felix standing in his bedroom doorway with a big dopey grin on his face. "I'll be there in a second," He stated as he grabbed a pair of basketball shorts and an old white tee out of Felix's dresser before closing the drawer. "Okay," His friend chirped before making his way back to the living room. Jisung couldn't help but smile widely to himself and he was sure he looked like an idiot but he couldn't have cared any less. He had his solace, he definitely knew he had his solace. His solace was his amazing friends that were more than friends to him; they were his brother, his family, and they still loved Jisung even when he was aching and struggling and that's all he was ever going to need. 

**Author's Note:**

> this is nothing but shit and basically me kinda projecting my feelings through Jisung but whatever. hopefully this can please all of you until I have the next chapter of The Kids Aren't Alright up which should be in a few days. i might add more to this like little drabbles of how Jisung came out to the others, Some of the others going shopping with him to get clothes that make him feel comfortable, and stuff like that. I'm not sure just yet though, it all honestly just depends on your responses to this.


End file.
